Jonah was cranky today. Very cranky.
I had a million things to do + He didn't want to nap = Frustrated mama & Even crabbier Jonah. Days like today are tough - I feel selfish for wanting to go to Joann Fabrics, talk on the phone to my family, or sit to meal plan for the week. Jason had to run errands, so I was home trying to occupy Jonah while still accomplishing my tasks. I did get a bunch of laundry done, made a VERY quick trip to Joann's, but still feel like 75% of my "to do" list was untouched. It's now 9:45 pm. and the little guy is in bed, but I have lost all motivation and energy to do just about anything, except write this blog entry.
I know this is the common life of a mother ("working" or SAH), and I wouldn't trade Jonah for the world, but every so often I have the moment where I miss my married w/out children days. The lazy Sundays of sleeping in and going out to breakfast at noon. The middle of the afternoon nap with Jason on the couch. The evenings where I didn't have to choose between Jason and the must-get-this-done-before-I-fall-asleep tasks.
A mother's work is truly never done. Jason is amazing, but he can't relieve the stress and pressure I feel from Jonah to be the mother he deserves. I am a perfectionist - it's all or nothing with me. Some days I just want to a break. I want to be Becca again. I know this isn't possible and I was willing to give that up when I made the decision to have Jonah. But I also know that I'm not the only mom who feels this way. Too many women gave me the false impression that when you have a child you cease to be selfish - that you give up your childish ways in lieu of your dedication to being a mother. Well, maybe for some women it is that simple, but for me it's a hell of a lot more complicated.
Please don't mistake this post as a plea for sympathy. This is my way of venting and also letting other mothers and/or mother-to-be know about my reality. It may look like yours, it may not. But I have no shame in how I feel. There is a distinct difference between loving your child and loving being a parent. My sadness lies in my effort to reconcile two versions of myself, knowing that it's an evolution, but anxious to find resolution.